Poker Face

It is all a game. A very addictive game, I am starting to think. I intended to weed some of the men out of my life as I gravitated towards Ryan, but I hit a bump, and everything was derailed in a very short amount of time. First things first. Ryan and I have been seeing a lot of each other and I was fully enjoying getting to know him without the added pressure of sex, since we agreed to not do that for the time being, and focus on forming a real and solid friendship based on personality and character, not bedroom skills. Unfortunately this enabled me to have my eyes wide open to the good, the bad and the ugly. The Good: He is sweet, thoughtful and caring and puts no pressure on me physically. Plus, he likes to cuddle. The Bad: Something doesn’t sit quite right, and he let me in on things lately that explain a lot. I am not sure yet whether it is all negative, but it most certainly isn’t positive, unless you consider it positive that he trusted me and let me in. The Ugly: The bad doesn’t even need to be mentioned since it was eclipsed by the ugly. Allow me to explain what set off the warning flags. We were having lunch and I was telling him stuff about work, which he had asked about. In the middle of me talking, he pipes up with, “To be honest you are kind of rambling on. Maybe you could get to the point?” (Don’t quote this as being verbatim, but it’s very close.) To which I replied that I thought we were just having a conversation and wasn’t aware I needed to make a point.
“Well, I think if you are going to talk, you should have a point.”
Point taken. The party was over. I became a bit down and quiet, for fear I might (heaven forbid) open my mouth and fail to make a point. But I let it go. Till the next day. We were driving in his car and I was telling him a silly story about Churfy and I, and granted, I may have been a tad bit animated. He reached over, put his hand over my mouth and said, “Shh, shh. You’re getting too wired.”
A bit taken aback, I sat in silence for the rest of the ride. He hadn’t even let me finish my story. After 5 years of blatant independence, I am not going to let someone shush me, put me down or control me. He should know that. But then maybe not, as I had become docile and allowed him to walk on me. The next morning I was leaving for California, and avoided his kiss goodbye. He asked what was wrong. I said nothing was wrong, and I had to get going.
He texted me on his way to work, to ask if we could talk, but I didn’t hear my phone…. even when he tried to call multiple times. For real. So his next text said he was concerned and felt like maybe he wasn’t going to see me again, and to please get in touch and talk to him asap so he could stop worrying. I told him I would talk to him, but it wasn’t going to be via text as that was too impersonal. I ended up not leaving till the next morning, so we were going to try to meet up, but it didn’t work out. He dropped the ball completely and ended up not seeing me or talking to me that night even though he supposedly was making it a priority. Such a priority, in fact, that he stayed out till after midnight on a work night doing god knows what. And I really don’t buy that he was with who he said he was with. But I don’t care. What will be, will be. I went to Ninja’s house instead, and said hello and goodbye to him, but couldn’t bring myself to stay the night as he asked, because I don’t want to be doing anything inappropriate. But it reminded me how solid and non-flaky Ninja is.
So this week Ryan and I have been talking off and on. He is saying he misses me and really wants to see me, and is ok with being in the doghouse till I get back and talk to him about what is on my mind. Thing is, is it worth talking about? If it’s a lame mistake, yeah, but if it’s a pattern of controlling behavior, I’m not naïve enough to think I can influence or fix that in any way. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to see how talking about it turns out. I could get my answer right then.
Back off Ryan, talk to Steve, fend off amorous advances from Davey and ….Pansy? Back to too many men! Pansy is manageable. He’s been texting a lot from his new abode WAY the hell up north, which I chalk up to the effects of solitary confinement. It can make anyone crazy. His latest is a million compliments followed by begging and pleading for naked pictures. “Sorry,” I say, “You know I have a no picture policy. Go watch some Eskimo porn and leave me alone.” Case dismissed. Easy enough.
Davey on the other hand is totally my type, which is exactly the type I should stay away from. I know from previous experience it doesn’t work. He’s from Tennessee- a bad boy. Tattooed, ear rings, eyebrow stud and a sexy, manly scar on his face. Plus he’s aggressive and protective. All features I love, that make him a horrible prospect. I know I can’t date him. But he targets all my weaknesses. He doesn’t know that, it’s just the way it is. And today he told me he really likes me a lot and wants me to think well of him, told me he misses me and just wants to hold me, and called me baby and sweet heart. I have never even hugged him, since it is rare that he’s been around and I knew I needed to keep my distance. He is saying everything I want to hear constantly these days, and it’s so tough to fight it, but I know I have to. Must not think about…..oh God, who am I kidding? I can’t do this. I need to run for the hills.
I was trying to explain my situation to Churfy this evening.
LIZZY: I think I play my men like a poker hand- I have a full house and I just keep bluffing.
CHURFY: Oh god, You’re like the female version of a ‘player’, minus the sleeping around. What are you gonna do when you meet a really nice guy and you don’t wanna play him?
LIZZY: If he’s awesome, I guess I’ll fold.
Or will I? I thought that I was ready to find a nice guy, and settle into having a boyfriend. I hate to admit this, and maybe there is something wrong with me, but the more men I have around, flattering me and catering to my every whim, the more addictive it becomes. How can I choose just one? Can I really settle down and be content? I would like to think so, and especially for a girl like me, you would think that I would want to settle down since I refuse to sleep with a guy that’s not my boyfriend, and having hot guys around that I can’t/won’t sleep with does get old. And is it really fair to toy with their feelings, even if I’m not in bed with them? I always thought not being physical made it ok, but now I’m starting to wonder, as emotions seem to crop up on their sides in spite of my strict rules. While I don’t think it’s despicable, odds are that if you want to date me or you start to fall for me, you are going to get played. I think I need to change that before it becomes an ingrained habit.

Out With The Old, In With The New

I have been back to work for about six days, and it has been a whirlwind of events. I will bring you up to speed briefly.
Right before my week off, I had gotten a message saying my truck needed to go off lease and there was a new truck waiting at the yard for me to move into. I asked what type of truck it was, and was told it was a Freightliner. I hate Freightliners. They are called ‘Freightshakers’ for a reason. I fired off a message to Randy, my amazing and supportive Driver Manager.
LIZZY: Randy, please say it isn’t true!! I don’t want a freightliner! I hate them!
RANDY: Afraid so, dear. It’s already here waiting for you.
LIZZY: NOOO!!!! I will throw a temper tantrum! I will picket in front of the office! PLEEEEAAASE!!! I really, really, really am not happy about this! I want a Volvo!
RANDY: Sorry dear, we have none right now.
LIZZY: I am so not happy right now.
RANDY: Tell you what. I’ll let you keep your truck for another week and see if I can find you a more suitable replacement. (Read: Volvo. Fingers crossed)
LIZZY: Thank you!
At the end of the week when I went back to work, Randy handed me the keys to my shiny new Volvo, complete with full fairings and shore power. (Full electrical supply plug- ins) I was ecstatic. “Thank you, thank you, thank you, Randy!! I don’t know what I would do without you! You’re the best!” And the boys always ask if I get preferred treatment because I’m female…..psh, of course not!!!
I was also told to see Dan in Safety that morning. I went in nervous, as being called in is generally not a good thing.
DAN: Have a seat. Do you know why you are here?
LIZZY: No.
DAN: Did you think you were in trouble?
LIZZY: Um, yeah. Kind of.
DAN: Relax. You’re not. I have had very high recommendations and reports of you from several sources, and have looked into your records myself, and found them to be surprisingly clear of any concerns or problems. Which is why I would like to ask you if you would consider becoming an on-road driver trainer for Challenger. We will put you through some testing and courses, and then you will be taking students with you on the road to train and evaluate them. Is this something you’d be interested in?
LIZZY: Maybe. What’s in it for me?
DAN: A big fat raise.
LIZZY: Sign me up!
Ok, those last couple lines were ad-lib….they were actually more diplomatic than that, but that was the gist of it in layman’s terms. I headed happily off to California, with the new position awaiting my return. I’m not sure how I will like it, so I only agreed to do it for a few months on a trial basis, but I’m excited to try something new and the extra pay doesn’t look so bad either, as when I have a student I will earn 25-30 % more than I currently do. No complaints there.

The Boy In Question

My time off started yesterday, and I’m very happy to be home as I have been very sick for the last 4 days and really needed to relax and feel better.
Kristi had asked me to spend time with her when I got home, so I agreed to go out for supper with her last night. She is a mutual friend of mine and Ryan’s. Yesterday afternoon he texted that he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me, and I kind of felt the same. An hour later he texted again.
RYAN: Kristi just asked me if I knew my chickie was home, and said she’s having dinner with you. What the hell?
LIZZY: Well, it’s not my fault she asked me out first.
RYAN: I thought we had plans?
LIZZY: We did?? I don’t remember making any. When did you ask?
RYAN: I said I couldn’t wait to see you…..
Oh, right….I forgot. To males this is considered making plans. To women this is nothing more than a vague comment. Silly me. Should have known…
LIZZY: Well, I’m not backing out on Kristi. Maybe I can see you later.
RYAN: Ok, let me know.

About an hour later, I got a text from Kristi.
KRISTI: I got a text from Ryan. He says to back off, he wants you tonight. Lol.
LIZZY: Silly boy. I will see him later.
KRISTI: Well, you can go out with Ryan. I’m suddenly not feeling well.
LIZZY: That’s suspicious. You sure?
KRISTI: Yeah. You’d have more fun with me. Let’s do dinner tomorrow. Ryan’s a bitch.
LIZZY: Ok, hun. See you tomorrow.

So I went out with Ryan for dinner, and he again brought up the subject of where things were going between us.
RYAN: So, I know I’ve brought this up before, but I’m just wondering if you are any more clear on where you see things going between us?
LIZZY: Wow, you know, this is a really awkward subject for me, and to be honest I don’t really know. I’m still getting to know you.
RYAN: It’s not that I want to rush you, but I don’t want to hide anything from you, and so I may as well tell you I was seeing someone when I met you. It wasn’t anything serious….kind of new, but when I started hanging out with you it made me rethink everything, and I realized you had all my attention.
LIZZY: (with a slight uncomfortable smile) Oh, so basically I won?
RYAN: (chuckles awkwardly) I guess you could say that. Anyway, I kind of just left the girl hanging. I suppose I will tell her it just isn’t going to work.
LIZZY: Why? Is she your back up plan in case I said I didn’t want you? That’s so comforting.
RYAN: Uh, no….not really. Huh….maybe I shouldn’t have brought this up. Sorry. Forget I said anything. Maybe this isn’t the best time.
LIZZY: I’m sorry I can’t give you the answer you are looking for, but I can’t make your decisions for you. You do whatever you feel you need or want to do. I am not going to put pressure on anyone, nor will I be pressured. I want to take things slow and know I am making the right decisions.
RYAN: Yeah, I guess that’s the best. Sorry I brought this up. I just wanted to be honest with you.
LIZZY: Thank you.

I stayed at Ryan’s a few times this week. We rode our motorcycles together and with Kristi and Russ, although there was a lot of tension between Kristi and Ryan, as they got in a fight and she is not speaking to him because she feels he is monopolizing my time and trying to keep me away from her. They spent most of their time accusing each other of being bitches, so I minimized conflict by splitting my time and not being around both of them together. I think Ryan started it, but he wanted to bury the hatchet, and Kristi was not co-operating. But aside from that, all is going well, and Ryan even babysat the Chihuahuas so I could go out for the evening with Kristi. It was a very busy week off, but I got a lot done and thoroughly enjoyed myself, even going dirt-biking with Russ, and swapping motorcycles with a co-worker so I could try out his zx-12. It was a powerful and fast bike. A good way to round out an excellent week.

Murphy's Field Day

The last 24 hours, I think everything that could go wrong, did. You just have those days you think maybe you shouldn’t have gotten out of bed, and this was one of them. I drove to Ringgold, Virginia, for my pick up which should have been quick. I dropped my empty trailer and tried to pick up the loaded one. It had been dropped way too high, which meant I needed to crank the landing gear down to lower the trailer. But it was very heavy and I could barely turn the handle, so it took me about half an hour of struggling and sweating in the southern heat to get it to where it needed to be. It was all good now….or not. As I backed under the trailer, it simply rolled backwards and I couldn’t back under it far enough to connect. The brakes didn’t seem to be working properly. I decided to connect the airlines and supply air to the brake system as I backed under, as this should have helped, but it didn’t. The trailer still rolled. It had no brakes at all. I contacted dispatch and they called a repairman to come out. I was hot and sweaty and felt horribly grimy and desperately wanted a shower. I asked the shipper if it was ok with them if I went to get a shower and they could tell the repairman what to do when he arrived. It was not a problem for them, so off I went. I felt so much better as I walked back to my truck, gloriously clean and smelling more like a girl and less like a trucker. I had an urgent message on the satellite computer in my truck. “Where are you? The mechanic is onsite and can’t find you.”
I rushed back to the shipper but he was gone. They said they let him in the gate, but he had not come inside or talked to anyone, just left. I knew this would come back on me. I called dispatch and asked them to send the mechanic back. They tried. He refused, and said he had no time. He would come tomorrow. But the load had to be delivered tomorrow, and it was for a big important customer. They contacted a different repair company and sent someone out. By the time he arrived and fixed the trailer, I could never make it to the delivery on time, so they decided to have me switch with another driver in Pennsylvania.
I headed out in the morning. Never have I ever gotten so many messages in a day. I was hit with a barrage of them, and of course they were all extremely urgent.
“Lizzy, it’s Randy. I need an eta to Pennsylvania asap”
“Lizzy, it’s Trish. Did you set up an appointment for your F.A.S.T. card reapplication interview? It’s very important. Please respond asap.”
“Lizzy, its Dave. Please come see me in the safety department when you get back to Cambridge.”
“Lizzy, it’s Randy again. I need you to fax me the paperwork for the last load, ASAP!! This is very urgent.”
I couldn’t even answer them as fast as they were coming in. So as I walking to the fax machine, papers in hand, I was also on the phone with Customs, setting up my interview for the F.A.S.T. card, while figuring out my arrival to Waverly Pennsylania. Of course the fax machine wasn’t working. Try another place. Theirs was broken too. Third time is the charm. I was getting stressed. Deep breath. One thing at a time. It’s work, it’s nothing personal. Knock things off the list one at a time.
Finally I was back on the road again to my meeting with the other driver. I pulled into the lot in Waverly, and the other driver was waiting for me. He got out of his truck and raised his eyebrows. “Woah, I didn’t realize you would be a girl.”
“That’s probably because I don’t go out of my way to tell people I’m female. Here’s your paperwork.”
“You single?”
Grrr. “As in, do I drive solo, or am I boyfriendless?”
“Hehe…..either, I guess.”
He was trashy looking with rotten teeth. And creepy. “I drive solo, but I have a boyfriend. We’re very in love.” (That was a lie.)
“Oh, that’s cool.” He was very jittery, and told me it was because he desperately needed a smoke, and proceeded to bum five bucks off me for cigarettes even though it hadn’t even been a week since payday. I sighed. I wasn’t gonna fight anything more today. I gave it to him, while thinking, ‘Why the hell am I paying for someone else’s smokes? I don’t even smoke! And how bottom of the barrel is that? Bumming money off female co-workers?!’
A phone call from Randy. “Lizzy, you faxed me the wrong paperwork. I need the one with the customers signatures on it.”
“Oh, crap. I don’t have it. I accidentally kept the one without the signatures. Sorry.”
He sighed. “Ok, well, if you don’t have it, you don’t have it.”
“Sorry Randy. Everything is going wrong the last day or two.”
“Uh huh. And it’s all coming back on you and me, girl.”
Smarter Lizzy, smarter. Get your head out of the clouds and stop making mistakes. Mind on the job. Think things through. I know this is no one’s fault but mine. I’m not used to that. Things will be better tomorrow.

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

If there’s anywhere I’ve been that leaves a bad taste in my mouth, I’d have to say it is the whole Memphis area. If you wonder why, read the post titled “Hell is alive and well in Mississippi”, which took place on the outskirts of the south side of Memphis, on the Mississippi side of the line.
I had a delivery in West Memphis, and arrived the evening previous to my appointment, so I thought I would just park nearby, sleep and deliver in the morning. I admit, the neighborhood made up for in “hood”, what it was lacking in “neighbor”, but I was thinking all of Memphis looked run down to me, so how bad could it be? I hid my truck out of sight behind an abandoned warehouse, and decided to take the dogs out to pee and check how bad/good the area might be. And this is how I found myself the only white person to be seen, walking two Chihuahuas, none the less, down a street where everyone stared at me like I did NOT belong. I was wary, but walked a couple of blocks. An African-American lady was approaching me and gave a slight smile as she said, “I like your dogs”.
“Huh?” I replied. I didn’t catch a word, being transfixed by her garish purple eye makeup, wondering where I had seen that metallic color before. On a low-rider in Mexican town, perhaps? Ah, that was it.
“I said I like your dogs.”
“Oh, thank you,” I answered as I continued, passing a side street from which a very high and/or drugged up man came twirling around in circles clutching a little bundle of belongings under one arm. He seemed not to notice me at all, almost twirling into me as I sidestepped and put some distance between us. At this point I decided to find somewhere else to spend the night, and turned to head back. A guy on a sportbike rode past very slowly, staring creepily all the way, and as I looked back at him, I saw a handgun tucked in the back of his pants. Concerned, I sped up. Passing the last side street before my truck, I noticed about 5 or 6 African-American men approaching. They were whistling and calling to me…..”Where are you going so fast, sweetheart?”, “She’s sleeping in MY bed tonight”, “Come back , baby”.
At least half of them were carrying handguns, and made no attempt to hide it. I took a quick right, leaped into my truck, locked the doors and drove away as fast as I could. As I entered the nearest truck stop, one of the truckers said over the CB radio, “Wow, look at (insert my trucking company’s name)! That bitch needs the ‘fine’ fucking slapped out of her.”
The truckstop was looking no better than where I had come from. A young, rather redneck guy that was parked next to me, rolled his window down and said, “Turn your radio off, girl. You shouldn’t have to hear these guys talking about you. I’ll be here all night. I’ll keep my eye on you. You’ll be ok. You let me know if you need anything. I don’t want you walking to the building alone at night.”
“Thank you, “ I said, thinking maybe it was better to let one stranger help me than try to trust 150 disgusting men. It panned out. Donny was very respectful and polite, and did indeed walk me inside every time I needed to go, and didn’t let me out of his sight. While I was wary of him, I do think I slept a little better knowing he was right there.
On a side note, I discovered that as I was cleaning my truck that day, I had accidently reversed the plug for my fridge, which turns it into a heater, and therefore all my food was cooked. Even my milk and yogurt. I was very disappointed. It was a sad moment.