Poker Face

It is all a game. A very addictive game, I am starting to think. I intended to weed some of the men out of my life as I gravitated towards Ryan, but I hit a bump, and everything was derailed in a very short amount of time. First things first. Ryan and I have been seeing a lot of each other and I was fully enjoying getting to know him without the added pressure of sex, since we agreed to not do that for the time being, and focus on forming a real and solid friendship based on personality and character, not bedroom skills. Unfortunately this enabled me to have my eyes wide open to the good, the bad and the ugly. The Good: He is sweet, thoughtful and caring and puts no pressure on me physically. Plus, he likes to cuddle. The Bad: Something doesn’t sit quite right, and he let me in on things lately that explain a lot. I am not sure yet whether it is all negative, but it most certainly isn’t positive, unless you consider it positive that he trusted me and let me in. The Ugly: The bad doesn’t even need to be mentioned since it was eclipsed by the ugly. Allow me to explain what set off the warning flags. We were having lunch and I was telling him stuff about work, which he had asked about. In the middle of me talking, he pipes up with, “To be honest you are kind of rambling on. Maybe you could get to the point?” (Don’t quote this as being verbatim, but it’s very close.) To which I replied that I thought we were just having a conversation and wasn’t aware I needed to make a point.
“Well, I think if you are going to talk, you should have a point.”
Point taken. The party was over. I became a bit down and quiet, for fear I might (heaven forbid) open my mouth and fail to make a point. But I let it go. Till the next day. We were driving in his car and I was telling him a silly story about Churfy and I, and granted, I may have been a tad bit animated. He reached over, put his hand over my mouth and said, “Shh, shh. You’re getting too wired.”
A bit taken aback, I sat in silence for the rest of the ride. He hadn’t even let me finish my story. After 5 years of blatant independence, I am not going to let someone shush me, put me down or control me. He should know that. But then maybe not, as I had become docile and allowed him to walk on me. The next morning I was leaving for California, and avoided his kiss goodbye. He asked what was wrong. I said nothing was wrong, and I had to get going.
He texted me on his way to work, to ask if we could talk, but I didn’t hear my phone…. even when he tried to call multiple times. For real. So his next text said he was concerned and felt like maybe he wasn’t going to see me again, and to please get in touch and talk to him asap so he could stop worrying. I told him I would talk to him, but it wasn’t going to be via text as that was too impersonal. I ended up not leaving till the next morning, so we were going to try to meet up, but it didn’t work out. He dropped the ball completely and ended up not seeing me or talking to me that night even though he supposedly was making it a priority. Such a priority, in fact, that he stayed out till after midnight on a work night doing god knows what. And I really don’t buy that he was with who he said he was with. But I don’t care. What will be, will be. I went to Ninja’s house instead, and said hello and goodbye to him, but couldn’t bring myself to stay the night as he asked, because I don’t want to be doing anything inappropriate. But it reminded me how solid and non-flaky Ninja is.
So this week Ryan and I have been talking off and on. He is saying he misses me and really wants to see me, and is ok with being in the doghouse till I get back and talk to him about what is on my mind. Thing is, is it worth talking about? If it’s a lame mistake, yeah, but if it’s a pattern of controlling behavior, I’m not naïve enough to think I can influence or fix that in any way. I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to see how talking about it turns out. I could get my answer right then.
Back off Ryan, talk to Steve, fend off amorous advances from Davey and ….Pansy? Back to too many men! Pansy is manageable. He’s been texting a lot from his new abode WAY the hell up north, which I chalk up to the effects of solitary confinement. It can make anyone crazy. His latest is a million compliments followed by begging and pleading for naked pictures. “Sorry,” I say, “You know I have a no picture policy. Go watch some Eskimo porn and leave me alone.” Case dismissed. Easy enough.
Davey on the other hand is totally my type, which is exactly the type I should stay away from. I know from previous experience it doesn’t work. He’s from Tennessee- a bad boy. Tattooed, ear rings, eyebrow stud and a sexy, manly scar on his face. Plus he’s aggressive and protective. All features I love, that make him a horrible prospect. I know I can’t date him. But he targets all my weaknesses. He doesn’t know that, it’s just the way it is. And today he told me he really likes me a lot and wants me to think well of him, told me he misses me and just wants to hold me, and called me baby and sweet heart. I have never even hugged him, since it is rare that he’s been around and I knew I needed to keep my distance. He is saying everything I want to hear constantly these days, and it’s so tough to fight it, but I know I have to. Must not think about…..oh God, who am I kidding? I can’t do this. I need to run for the hills.
I was trying to explain my situation to Churfy this evening.
LIZZY: I think I play my men like a poker hand- I have a full house and I just keep bluffing.
CHURFY: Oh god, You’re like the female version of a ‘player’, minus the sleeping around. What are you gonna do when you meet a really nice guy and you don’t wanna play him?
LIZZY: If he’s awesome, I guess I’ll fold.
Or will I? I thought that I was ready to find a nice guy, and settle into having a boyfriend. I hate to admit this, and maybe there is something wrong with me, but the more men I have around, flattering me and catering to my every whim, the more addictive it becomes. How can I choose just one? Can I really settle down and be content? I would like to think so, and especially for a girl like me, you would think that I would want to settle down since I refuse to sleep with a guy that’s not my boyfriend, and having hot guys around that I can’t/won’t sleep with does get old. And is it really fair to toy with their feelings, even if I’m not in bed with them? I always thought not being physical made it ok, but now I’m starting to wonder, as emotions seem to crop up on their sides in spite of my strict rules. While I don’t think it’s despicable, odds are that if you want to date me or you start to fall for me, you are going to get played. I think I need to change that before it becomes an ingrained habit.